Saturday, 15 June 2013

For Tina Fey (1970 - NEVER!),

“First, Lord: no tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches. May she be beautiful but not damaged, for it’s the damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the beauty. When the crystal meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with beer."
     -- Bossypants

I have bookmarked Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter. Partly because it's hilarious, and partly because if I ever have a daughter, it contains the first words I want to speak to her. I'll be lying on a delivery table, exhausted and slick with various bodily fluids (the exact nature of which I won't ever research lest the knowledge leave me sterile), and when the nurse hands me a small bundle of girlness, I'll recite Tina's prayer. O Lord, break the internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers...

Tina Fey doesn't have a son, so I'm kinda in the dark on first words if I shoot one out. Though I'm thinking an adapted prayer could work. Perhaps: First, Lord: no low-slung jeans. May trousers fit, may boxers hide, may caps be ever forward-facing.

For now though, in my childless freedom, I don't have to cut anybody's grapes in half so they don't use crystal meth. I still cut grapes in half, but more for tapas-y goodness than for fussy children. This haloumi & roasted grape salad, for instance, combines cut grapes with mint and mango salsa into what is essentially a cheese-and-fruit platter, but cooked, jumbled up, and served as a main.

I'm cool with that. Eat grapes not meth! Yeah!

Roasted Grape & Haloumi Salad

200g haloumi
1 tsp olive oil
1 large bunch grapes, washed
1/2 mango
Handful of cherry tomatoes
Handful of mint leaves
Black sesame seeds

Preheat the oven to 200C. Cut your grapes in half, using this nifty trick to save you from spending forever cutting each individual grape. Throw the cut grapes in a roasting dish and dry-roast for 15 minutes. This makes the grapes intensely sweet, but strangely, they go really well with savoury foods (I sometimes serve them on chicken with basil.)

Meanwhile, chop the mango, cherry tomatoes, and mint in a small dice and combine to make a salsa.

Heat the olive oil in a pan over medium-high heat and fry the haloumi in slices until browned on each side.

To assemble the salad, layer the roasted grapes, haloumi, and salsa on a serving dish. Sprinkle over sesame seeds and salt to taste. Serve with tapas or as a light dinner.

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